June 22, 2010 ; 12:53am ; Room.

I love when my room gets so dark all I can see are the vague lights of stars on walls & ceilings, my bright-as-noon clock radio, and the stormy sky outside my window.

-Courtney Jayel

Sorry.

All I want is to be honest.

To write these things and

share them.

But I'm afraid of the

outcome.

So,

I apologize.

For writing these journal entries

that will live to be

unseen.

They will

never

see

the

light.

June 4, 2010 ; 10:15pm ; Memories.

Oh, how I love those random useless things that bring back so many memories.

I was cleaning my closet today when I found 2 stuffed bunnies. One, blonde, named Clover; the other, brown, Dan. Now, you're probably thinking, "Oh, some old toys from Courtney's childhood. That's cute." But, ha! Wrong! These little bunny rabbits are only a few years old. From when my godsister, Taylor (who might as well be my real sister) and her mom, my godmother "Aunt" June, were living with my family at our home. I don't remember where the bunnies and their names came from, but the sight of them brought back so many memories. I hadn't even thought about their names until I saw them. I remembered how Taylor & I got one of those Build-a-Bear mini stuffed bears from a McDonald's Happy Meal and made it their child. I also remember losing that bear child several months later.

So, I ask you.
What's one memory you recently, well, remembered?
Was it from your childhood? A bad birthday party with a clown maybe?
Did it involve someone you love, and still talk to today?
Hell, maybe it was an old CD or mixtape that helped unearth this memory.

Whatever it is, hold on to it. It might come in handy some day (:

-Courtney Jayel

June 9,2010 ; 12:50am ; Appearances.

Well, I have finally decided I'm fully content with my appearance. Now that I know my natural side bangs part and a little Burt's Bees lip balm never hurts in the Looks Department. It's actually kind of weird that I'm discovering this now, since I'm about to get a completely new hairstyle and I'll probably be changing myself quite a bit. More towards the person I want to be. But it's still bad timing, huh? Well, I guess I've always been like that. It's just great to finally call myself beautiful. It feels amazing (:

-Courtney Jayel

June 1, 2010 ; 11:57pm ; Summertime.

Oh, how easy it would be to write all the clichés right now. Today was the last day of school and everyone is excited about summer. Hell, I'm even listening to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. Super positive. I could say things like, "Oh my gosh! Summer is here!" or, the more teenage-friendly, "OMG!!! Summerrr 10!!!", but I'm not like that. Personally, I can't wait for fall. Even though I have a summer birthday and I like warmth. But does that really matter? No. I'd much rather stomp on crunchy leaves than attempt at a tan. So, screw summer. - Courtney Jayel

May 23, 2010 ; 5:12pm ; Basement.

It has taken me so long to fall in love with this basement. I mean, I've liked it before (a little), but right now, in this very moment, I love it. It's just me, Harley & Lucky, Neutral Milk Hotel, and the coolness of down here. It's 89 degrees outside and I did an awful lot of walking today. So, I'm glad to finally have a place of my own. Away from the sun. Away from the voices. Away from reality. I shall watch Mulan and listen to the Smiths down here until I must leave. I hope that isn't soon.

- Courtney Jayel

May 20, 2010 ; 10:15pm ; Birthdays.

Yuh know what? Why the hell are birthdays such a big freaking deal? I mean, it's just another number. You age every single day. So what's the point? Nothing good ever comes out of birthdays anyway. Hell, I get yelled at on my birthday & am forced to do crap. Plus, birthday parties rarely ever end well. Either someone gets drunk and ruins it or there's a clown there and everyone gets scared out of their minds. So pointless. Why don't we just say, "Oh, hey. __ years ago you were born. That's cool," and get on with our lives. Screw age. Screw parties. Screw fake happy faces. Screw fake happy people. Screw birthdays.


- Courtney Jayel