HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAZHAHAHAHAHAHSjhdbhahahAHHAHAHAHAH

Old Poem #1 : Alex.

Just a beginning note: this is one of my favorite things I have ever written. I wrote it in 7th grade and it still means so much to me. I love this Alex fellow. So, without further ado, I present:

Alex.


Alex, skin as light as day, but hair the color of midnight.
Alex, attempting to survive.
Alex, smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.
The sun to annoy, the moon to inspire.


Alex, surrounded by many, understood by none. Death is his only friend.
Haters make life harder, internet makes life worse.
Alex, eyes like storm clouds, but the sun is still out.
The glass neither half empty, nor half full.
But shattered on the floor in a million pieces.


Alex, brokenhearted and lonely, searches for a friend.
Follows music instead of rules.
His parents like burglars, breaking into him and stealing what little happiness he has left.


Alex.

teleport.

If I close my eyes right now, maybe I'll be with them. Safe. If I close my eyes then, maybe I'd be there. Loved. If I close my eyes after, maybe I'd be home. Alone. So I close my eyes. Shut them tight. And listen to the mockings and ignorance of what my life has become.

in a perfect world...

...none of this would be happening. ...I wouldn't have to worry about you. ...suicide wouldn't be the option. ...the call would not drop. ...you would be okay. ...I wouldn't feel so numb. ...there would be no one. and I wouldn't just feel alone. I would live the part. I would be alone. ...but the world in which we preside is nowhere near perfect.

nothing.

I have not written anything in a long while. What I feel cannot be put into words.

forever youngish.

It's kind of ironic that I'm listening to "Brightly Wound" by Eisley at this very moment. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you. There's a lyric in the chorus that goes "I shall never grow up." The irony of this lyric is the fact that at this very moment I am writing this, I am swinging on, well, a swing at the lamest park I know.My best friend, Emilee, and I have been coming here since...let's just say forever. I've always had a love/hate relationship with it, but between me & whoever even reads this, a piece of me has always longed to be here. It's small but mighty. Two real swings, two baby swings, a slide, and one of those weird climbythings. Pretty lame, right? Yeah. That's what I thought.These last couple of days have been pretty alright, to be honest. If I were a pessimist I would've said they sucked, with the exception of my birthday party on Sunday. Good thing I'm no "glass half empty" person. But today, I don't know. Today just shot me down. Don't get me wrong, I've been expecting it. But I just felt like I needed to get the hell out of my little bubble of a world. Yesterday, it was through riding my dad's old bike for the first time in roughly a year. But, you guessed it, today I ended up alone at my crap park listening to my "Depressingish" playlist. (right now "3am" by Matchbox Twenty is playing.)So, I ask you, where do you go to get out of your world? Maybe it's an attic. It could be the best playground you've ever been to. Even your best friend's backyard.(p.s. I'm doing this through my ipod, and I have pictures to go along with it. I'll let y'all know when they show up.)

alone.

I am just now discovering that some things are better when you're alone. But, then there are things like singing Queen songs in your family room during commercials between Craig Ferguson episodes. When feeling alone, I usually put in a cd or play some Modest Mouse to help me. But sometimes feeling alone is the best thing that could ever happen. So, my question for whoever reads this is : what do you do when feeling alone? Now, keep in mind that there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Well, happy writing (:

quitter?

Am I a quitter? Have I given up? It seems as so, lately. I don't know what to think sometimes...

Create and Destroy.

"It's easy to be a critic, easy to tear things down, easy to be blind. It's a braver thing to build, to create and to surprise." : Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms

I try my hardest to build and not destroy.
I try to love and not dislike.
I try and fail.
I am human.
Trying is only half of the battle.
The other half is discovery.

July 7, 2010; 8:39ish pm; Sports.

Today, I figured out the reason why I will never play sports...aside from the fact that I completely suck at them to begin with, of course.

When you play, say, baseball, a sport I've grown close to over the years via my brothers, you're always playing your team against another team. Sure, each team has screaming fans (parents, more or less), but there's always that idea that someone on that other team's side, whether it be a player or a parent, can't stand you. Now, it might not mean YOU specifically, but you're TEAM. I mean hey, we all want to win. But if you think about it, someone still wants you to fail. And I don't think I could handle knowing that. I hardly understand how a 7 year old could handle it.

-Courtney Jayel

A new old hero.

Today, I saw a post on my favorite magazine Alternative Press' facebook about an article on their website written by one of my heroes, Jamie Tworkowski from To Write Love On Her Arms. Being my curious self, I decided to read maybe a paragraph or two in the story.

Now, as I started reading, I wasn't really impressed with the first couple sentences, being as they were a description of a book he was reading. But I had already read several other stories and writings by this amazing man, so I kept reading on, thinking, "It'll get better. It has to. It's Jamie."

And, let me tell you, did it get better.

Instead of this article being about characters in the book he read or another thing about the organization, it was a combination of his thoughts on the book, his personal experiences and the fact that you cannot cure the ignorance & cynicism.

I'd say more about how great it was and everything, but I'll just post a link to it instead.


http://www.altpress.com/contributors/entry/the_only_kind_they_fear/


Find quotes (: I did.

June 22, 2010 ; 12:53am ; Room.

I love when my room gets so dark all I can see are the vague lights of stars on walls & ceilings, my bright-as-noon clock radio, and the stormy sky outside my window.

-Courtney Jayel

Sorry.

All I want is to be honest.

To write these things and

share them.

But I'm afraid of the

outcome.

So,

I apologize.

For writing these journal entries

that will live to be

unseen.

They will

never

see

the

light.

June 4, 2010 ; 10:15pm ; Memories.

Oh, how I love those random useless things that bring back so many memories.

I was cleaning my closet today when I found 2 stuffed bunnies. One, blonde, named Clover; the other, brown, Dan. Now, you're probably thinking, "Oh, some old toys from Courtney's childhood. That's cute." But, ha! Wrong! These little bunny rabbits are only a few years old. From when my godsister, Taylor (who might as well be my real sister) and her mom, my godmother "Aunt" June, were living with my family at our home. I don't remember where the bunnies and their names came from, but the sight of them brought back so many memories. I hadn't even thought about their names until I saw them. I remembered how Taylor & I got one of those Build-a-Bear mini stuffed bears from a McDonald's Happy Meal and made it their child. I also remember losing that bear child several months later.

So, I ask you.
What's one memory you recently, well, remembered?
Was it from your childhood? A bad birthday party with a clown maybe?
Did it involve someone you love, and still talk to today?
Hell, maybe it was an old CD or mixtape that helped unearth this memory.

Whatever it is, hold on to it. It might come in handy some day (:

-Courtney Jayel

June 9,2010 ; 12:50am ; Appearances.

Well, I have finally decided I'm fully content with my appearance. Now that I know my natural side bangs part and a little Burt's Bees lip balm never hurts in the Looks Department. It's actually kind of weird that I'm discovering this now, since I'm about to get a completely new hairstyle and I'll probably be changing myself quite a bit. More towards the person I want to be. But it's still bad timing, huh? Well, I guess I've always been like that. It's just great to finally call myself beautiful. It feels amazing (:

-Courtney Jayel

June 1, 2010 ; 11:57pm ; Summertime.

Oh, how easy it would be to write all the clichés right now. Today was the last day of school and everyone is excited about summer. Hell, I'm even listening to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. Super positive. I could say things like, "Oh my gosh! Summer is here!" or, the more teenage-friendly, "OMG!!! Summerrr 10!!!", but I'm not like that. Personally, I can't wait for fall. Even though I have a summer birthday and I like warmth. But does that really matter? No. I'd much rather stomp on crunchy leaves than attempt at a tan. So, screw summer. - Courtney Jayel

May 23, 2010 ; 5:12pm ; Basement.

It has taken me so long to fall in love with this basement. I mean, I've liked it before (a little), but right now, in this very moment, I love it. It's just me, Harley & Lucky, Neutral Milk Hotel, and the coolness of down here. It's 89 degrees outside and I did an awful lot of walking today. So, I'm glad to finally have a place of my own. Away from the sun. Away from the voices. Away from reality. I shall watch Mulan and listen to the Smiths down here until I must leave. I hope that isn't soon.

- Courtney Jayel

May 20, 2010 ; 10:15pm ; Birthdays.

Yuh know what? Why the hell are birthdays such a big freaking deal? I mean, it's just another number. You age every single day. So what's the point? Nothing good ever comes out of birthdays anyway. Hell, I get yelled at on my birthday & am forced to do crap. Plus, birthday parties rarely ever end well. Either someone gets drunk and ruins it or there's a clown there and everyone gets scared out of their minds. So pointless. Why don't we just say, "Oh, hey. __ years ago you were born. That's cool," and get on with our lives. Screw age. Screw parties. Screw fake happy faces. Screw fake happy people. Screw birthdays.


- Courtney Jayel

New journal.

So, I've decided to use this summer as an opportunity to start writing in a journal. Keep in mind that it's not a real "journal" or "diary". I'm simply writing things in a not-spiral notebook. So, expect new notes on here. Yeah.

New Obsession

Okay, so this isn't really a poem or anything amazing, but I'm obsessed with this website right now.

http://theoatmeal.com/

Go to it. Trust me.

(:

When you don't know what to say...

...ask yourself:

is it worth it?

who's it for?

are you lonely?

why do you ask?

But never
stop
questioning...


...until you know what to say.
(:

The Secret Lives of Villains

New Poem:


Have you
ever thought about
the Villains
?

For instance,
what do they like
to eat
?

What makes them
laugh
and cry
?

Where do they
run to
when all goes
wrong
?

Who cares for them
when they get
a cold
?

But,
most importantly,
who
LOVES
them
?

And are they really
so
damn
EVIL
?

I guess that's for
THEM
to know,

and
US
to never
find
out
.
.
.



-Courtney Jayel